Dealing with Difficult People

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DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE - 2 OF 4

Don’t Get Angry
Yes, we know it’s hard not to get angry when you are dealing with a truly difficult person, particularly if what the person is saying or doing comes across as a personal attack. But you aren't going to be able to resolve the situation if you become emotional. When faced with difficult people, your first objective should be to keep your cool and stay in control of the situation. If you let difficult people make you angry, you will soon find that you have lost control over what is happening. Plus, you will be playing right into their hands. They may want to make you angry. Don't lose control. Play by your rules, not theirs.

Depersonalize
One way not to get angry is to depersonalize the situation. Focus on the facts of the situation, not how they are presented to you. What happened or didn't happen? When? Where? Who was involved? You aren't going to be able to deal with a difficult person unless you can somehow distance yourself from the encounter so you can view the situation objectively. To help you put that distance between your emotions and the unpleasant encounter, try taking notes as if you were a reporter. Listen, then jot down the who, what, when, where, and even the why as told to you by the difficult person. Don't evaluate or react—just record. Not only will the act of objectively recording the facts of the situation help you take your mind off the emotion of the encounter, but your notes will provide a basis for your response and eventually for arriving at a solution to the “real” problem.

Remain Quiet and Let Them Blow off Steam
Sometimes, the best thing you can say in encounters with difficult people is nothing at all. Give them time to wind down. Don't agree or disagree. Just look at them and listen. Very few people can sustain a one-sided argument for long. If they are angry, they will eventually need fuel for their anger. Don't give it to them. Don't launch in with a “Now, wait a minute . . .” or “I'm not going to stand here and listen to that . . .” or “We certainly didn't do that . . .” If you do, you may only provide them with the opportunity to launch into another tirade. Just listen. Take a few notes, as we suggested previously. Don't ignore them. If they think you are ignoring them, your inattention may just further fuel their anger. Just look at them, show you are paying attention, and give them time. Most difficult people will soon run out of steam. Besides, they'll begin to realize that they are starting to look a little foolish. If they don't seem to be running down, wait until there is a pause in their conversation—they have to take a breath sooner or later, don't they? —Then jump in to paraphrase what they have said. Don't disagree or try to make your point. Just say, “Now, let me review what you have said. As I understand it, you feel that . . .”

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